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With the turn of the New Year comes a reinvigorated sense of purpose and promise fuelled by the excitement of possibility. Yet just 3 weeks later we find ourselves here, on Blue Monday, coined the most depressing day of the year. Although, before we despair let’s take solace in the fact that, far from being the result of academic, peer reviewed psychological studies, ‘Blue Monday’ is actually a marketing gimmick coined by a travel company. Of course, each individual's mental health is a nuanced and complex concept grounded in their lived experience, and not in a ‘scientific’ formula. That said, many people do feel that January is one of the hardest months of the year, and perhaps you have noticed that the hope and ambition which you felt only a matter of weeks ago, has indeed started to dwindle? Subscribing to sensationalist and generalised claims about mental health isn’t helpful for the stigma around the subject, nor for those who suffer, but it does invite us to discuss mental health so that we can avoid Blue Monday becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy, not only today but all year round.
Comparison vs Congruence
The phrases ‘new year’ and ‘new me’ seem to sit together all too comfortably. There’s a sense of optimism and opportunity when we’re given the chance to start another year afresh, and it drives our need to think about how we can better not only our lives, but also ourselves. Social media has compounded this, and as we gradually approach December 31st, it begins to feel like we can’t escape the notion that we should not only be reflecting upon the year and celebrating our wins, but whether those wins are good enough to be posted online and celebrated by others too. Inherent in this kind of socially dictated practice is a comparison between self and others that propels us towards an ideal version of who we want to be, which is perhaps incongruent with who we are.
When we internalise the values, beliefs and behaviours of others as our own ideals, we’re not only creating a set of unrealistic and unachievable expectations, but we’re also saying that our most authentic self isn’t good enough. The misalignment between who we are and who we want to be creates a space in which anxiety, stress, frustration and feelings of low self-worth begin to take hold. So, what does this mean for our new years resolutions? It means that if your resolutions are born from comparison with others and socially perpetuated markers of success, you’re working towards an unrealistic ideal self, and subsequently creating an environment which is more likely to hinder your growth and contribute to a negative mental state.
Stages of Change
At this point, it feels pertinent to consider our intention when setting goals. Just like we eat turkey at Christmas, we make New Years Resolutions for no reason other than the date, but the reality is that the date is insignificant when considering the motivation for change. Without the right intention, it’s going to be difficult to muster the motivation needed to make the changes you want to see, meaning that you’re setting yourself up for failure and the emotions that entails. Sometimes we’re acutely aware of a behaviour we’d like to change, but we simply aren’t ready or don’t feel prepared to do so. In these circumstances it might feel impossible to maintain the behaviour change, which can be defeating and demoralising, and this is likely what many of us are experiencing as we reach mid-January.
A resolution made at the right time, whether that’s January or June, is more likely to be a successful one, but how do we know when it’s the right time? Firstly, you’ve become aware of something you might like to change but you still feel apprehensive about what making such a change would mean for you. As you find internal resolve and feel more confident that you’re committed to your goal, you might start to implement small changes and begin preparing for the next step. Now, it intuitively feels like the time is right.
Setting a deliberate and intentional goal which is meaningful to self is more likely to deliver a positive outcome, whereby our motivation gathers momentum, and we feel more energised and confident in the pursuit of our goals. So instead of succumbing to the pressure of making a resolution on the turn of the New Year and feeling disappointed just mere days later, wait until you know you’re ready and committed to the change, with the foundations to succeed.
Mindfulness
With that being said, January brings an undeniable sense of optimistic anticipation about the possibility of what lies ahead, and it feels almost wasteful to not harness that energy for the benefit of our mental health. We now understand that our goals should be a conscious commitment to realistic, achievable and intentional change aligned with our most authentic self, but how do we become more aware of who that is? We begin by becoming an observer of self; an observer who abstains from criticism and judgement but cultivates compassion and curiosity. Listen to what your body and senses are telling you, notice what’s taking up your headspace, bring awareness to your emotional responses, and take notice of the people, places and pursuits that bring you joy. By becoming more curious, we give ourselves permission to explore self through a different lens uncovering hidden truths, so that we can become more attuned with our authentic self. The practices of mindfulness and introspection invite us to develop self-awareness, but to do so with curiosity and compassion also cultivates self-acceptance. By adopting a more mindful and intentional lifestyle, we find ourselves doing more of what matters to us and moving towards a state of congruence.
Congruence fosters positive psychological wellbeing, as when our values, thoughts and emotions align with our behaviour, our life becomes more meaningful and fulfilled, and we generally feel happier.
So, where does this leave us? Setting goals boosts our motivation as it gives direction, focus and purpose, setting us on the path to reach our full potential, but there are caveats that are essential to understand. If you find yourself here, on Blue Monday, feeling dejected and despondent because you’re already struggling to keep up with your New Year's resolutions, it’s likely that they weren’t the right resolutions for you. Employ mindfulness to become more acquainted with the real you, but do so with compassionate curiosity and without criticism to foster a growth mindset.
Turn down the volume of sociocultural expectations and pressure, so that you can set intrinsically driven and intentional goals when the time is right for you. In this final moment, I encourage you to reflect upon your New Year's resolutions. Allow yourself to connect with the truest version of yourself, and with kindness, understanding and acceptance, I invite you to rewrite the resolutions that will instead cultivate growth, accomplishment and happiness.
Sian Pentin, MBACP, MSc, BSc
